Vivian Tu describes being “financially naked” as brutally honest money talk. Her first time was born of necessity: early in her career she broke a lease on a roach-filled apartment and asked a new boyfriend if she could move in, bluntly saying, “I have no money. I am broke.” That candid moment strengthened their bond; they later married. Tu, founder of Your Rich BFF and author of Well Endowed, encourages couples to have clear money conversations early and often. Below are practical questions and prompts to use at different relationship stages.
First dates
– Make money a light but revealing topic. Try a hypothetical: “If I gave you $100,000 to plan the perfect two-week vacation, what would you do?” The answer shows priorities—adventure vs. luxury, experiences vs. relaxation—and makes later practical talks about income or housing expectations easier.
Before exclusivity
– Ask about long-term plans and career dreams: Do you want to buy a home? Move back to your hometown? Where do you imagine living in five or ten years? These questions reveal whether your life trajectories could align.
– Notice spending habits. If someone earns modestly but spends freely, ask how that’s funded and whether there are any hidden debts. This is a fact-finding phase to assess compatibility.
Talking about debt
– Rather than bluntly asking, “How much debt do you have?”, open up about your own obligations first. Say something like, “I’ll be tighter next month because I have a big student loan payment.” That invites reciprocity: “Do you have credit card debt? Any months you expect to be tight?”
Moving in together
– Honesty matters because leases and applications require documentation. Discuss four key categories before cohabiting: what you earn, what you own (savings and assets), what you owe (debts), and your monthly expenses. Laying these out up front prevents surprises and makes future budgeting easier.
Before marriage
– Talk about financial secrecy—hidden purchases, secret accounts, or undisclosed credit cards. Transparency should be a norm; reluctance to share finances is itself a conversation you need to have before making long-term commitments.
Combining finances
– Consider the “yours, mine, and ours” model: maintain some personal accounts while contributing an agreed percentage to a joint account for shared bills and goals. Agree on the numbers and contribution cadence so autonomy and partnership stay balanced.
Ongoing conversations for long-term partners
– Treat money talks as continuous goal-setting. Ask practical questions regularly: How many children do we want and what will that cost? Where do we want to live long-term? Will one of us need to move to care for aging parents? Life changes will shift priorities, so revisit plans periodically.
Money conversations aren’t one-and-done. They’re a lifelong dialogue that helps you determine whether you’re compatible financially and personally—and whether you can build a future together.