The first time Vivian Tu got “financially naked” — a phrase she uses for brutally honest money talks — it was out of necessity. Starting her career on Wall Street, she lived in a roach-infested apartment and had to break her lease. She asked a new boyfriend if she could stay with him and told him plainly, “I have no money. I am broke. I have nothing.” That honesty strengthened their relationship; they later married.
Tu, who runs the financial education company Your Rich BFF, says couples should talk about money as early as possible. Her new book, Well Endowed, offers advice on big financial decisions like marriage and family. “People think love is enough. It’s not. You need to actually know you can build with this person,” she says. Below are the money conversations Tu recommends at different stages.
First dates
– You can bring money up on a first date in a light, revealing way. Ask, for example: “If I gave you $100,000 to plan a perfect two-week vacation, what would that look like?” Answers reveal priorities—adventure versus luxury, experiences versus relaxation—and make later practical questions, like income and rent expectations, easier to ask.
Before exclusivity
– Ask about career dreams and long-term plans: Do you want to buy a home? Move back to your hometown? Where do you see yourself living? These questions help you understand whether your financial paths and life goals align.
– Observe spending habits. If someone earns modestly but spends lavishly, find out how that’s funded and whether there’s hidden debt. This is a fact-finding phase to see if you’re compatible or willing to adjust.
Talking about debt
– Instead of asking outright how much debt someone has, share your own financial obligations first. Say something like, “I might be on a tighter budget next month because I’m making a big student loan payment.” That opens the door for your partner to share similar issues: “Do you have credit card debt? Any months you’ll be tight?”
Moving in together
– Moving in is a point where honesty is essential because applications require proof of income and bank statements. Discuss four categories before cohabiting: what you earn, what you own (savings/assets), what you owe (debt), and your monthly expenses. Covering these makes future conversations easier.
Before marriage
– Address financial infidelity—hidden purchases, secret accounts, or undisclosed credit cards. Financial transparency should be normal; if one partner isn’t comfortable sharing, that’s a conversation you need before planning a wedding.
Combining finances
– Tu favors a “yours, mine, and ours” approach: each keeps some personal accounts, and both agree to contribute a set percentage to a joint account for shared expenses. Open numbers and consistent contributions help balance autonomy with partnership.
Ongoing conversations for long-term partners
– Treat money talks as continuous goal-setting: How many children do we want and what will that cost? Where do we want to live long-term? Will one of us move closer to aging parents? Life changes alter financial plans, so revisit goals regularly.
– Ultimately, money conversations help answer: Are we a good partnership financially and personally? They aren’t one-and-done; they’re a lifelong dialogue about whether you make a good pair.