The first day I returned to work after parental leave, I sat at my desk, logged into my computer — and silently sobbed right up until my first morning meeting. The guilt of leaving my child, the anxiety of starting over, the stress of juggling both worlds: it felt like the ultimate case of the Mondays.
Transitioning from “worker” to “parent” to “working parent” can be a shock, says Amy Beacom, founder and CEO of the Center for Parental Leave Leadership. Parents are often “learning two new roles fast, under a lot of pressure with lack of sleep, zero guidance and zero support,” she says.
That’s especially true for mothers. The United States is the only industrialized nation without federal paid leave, and a 2012 report found that 1 in 4 women return to work within two weeks of having a baby. Even with paid leave, coming back can be a big adjustment.
Make work work better for you
Too often, returning parents assume schedules are fixed and don’t ask managers for what they need. But many employers want employees to be happy, engaged and supported — and they may agree to changes if you request them.
Beacom suggests planning your reentry and communicating it to your manager before leave: What does a good first day, week and month look like? Schedule a brief check-in while you’re away so both sides are prepared. Consider returning mid-week to ease back in, clear your inbox and ramp up before a full week. And negotiate your hours — shifting your start time by half an hour or aligning with another time zone might make drop-offs and pick-ups much easier.
Your workplace will often be only as flexible as you ask it to be. Find ways to make work fit your new life.
Let “good” be “good enough”
You may find your job feels different — sometimes easier — after becoming a parent. Brain researcher Darby Saxbe says having kids can introduce disciplines that make parents better at getting things done. But that doesn’t remove the overwhelm.
“My best advice to parents is lower your standards,” Saxbe says. “Don’t expect you’re going to be amazing at everything.” There are no raises for perfect baby food or trophies for late-night speed-emailing.
If you must add tasks, be intentional, advises Reshma Saujani, CEO of Moms First. Ask whether something is a true need or just a “gold star” achievement. Distinguish self-imposed pressure from external demands.
Cut yourself some slack. Parenting changes the brain and body to meet caregiving needs, and research shows it can take a few months to two years or more to feel fully like yourself again. “Respect that this is a transformational time,” Saxbe says. “Be patient with yourself and recognize that you may not be 100% for a while.”
The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected].
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